A Mess of a Morning

Today, I wrote in my prayer journal with a colored pencil. 

And my kids were awake. And it had already been a rough morning. It was loud. There was no candle lit. I was drinking cold coffee and sitting in an uncomfortable chair. But I was desperate. My attitude was terrible. You see, the day just already hadn't gone like I'd planned. My boys were whiny and clingy. They didn't want to play, they just wanted to be hanging on me at all times. My laundry pile felt a mile high. My living room cluttered with post-Christmas decorating madness. My kitchen sink filled with dishes. Not to mention the long mental list I have of things I really want to accomplish should I ever feel caught up on just the daily tasks.  

I was so frustrated. 
I was impatient. 
I was being short-tempered. 
My white flag was waving. 
I am not saying that I have it so bad or that my boys are terrible. I do not. And they aren't. My attitude was the problem. My sin was the problem. 

There have been so many days like this, especially in the season of motherhood. But, earlier this week, I felt a prompting & conviction by the Holy Spirit to practice the simple act of taking my sin & my bad attitudes, my anxieties & my thoughts & my worries to the Lord. In the moment. Right when they occur. Too many times I find myself just mulling over all of these situations or my mind racing with anxieties of life. If you know me at all, you know I'm the queen of over-analyzing. If you want someone to talk through every aspect of something, you can ask me. I've probably already thought it through and I'll save you the time. I'm not proud of this characteristic. It has its place, but the Lord is refining me in it daily. 

Anyway, I felt prompted to pray and immediately felt stubborn..."I just don't want to talk to the Lord about this...I already know I'm just being sinful," I thought. But, I muttered a weak but sincere, "Lord, please help me." I begrudgingly settled the boys down with a snack, colored pencils, and a coloring book. I turned on an audio book for them and went and gathered my prayer journal, a devotional book I'm reading through, and a pen...Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't need those things. I needed to humble myself. I needed to pray. But I knew that today, in that moment, I needed to physically be in the word. And I needed to ask the Lord to change my heart. And I wanted to be ready to jot down what He intended for me to hear. 

I read. Kids chatting in the background, the occasional whine about wanting more snack or a different color. 

I read some things 5 times. I prayed. 

I asked for a better attitude. 

I begged for a quiet spirit and nurturing words. 

I noticed my voice soften in response to the requests for attention. 

I asked for wisdom. And patience. I asked for gospel-oriented vision. 

I pleaded, for what felt like the millionth time, for refinement. 

You see, I'm not writing any of this to display any substance of perfection in my prayer life or in any aspect of my life as a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, or a believer. I'm sharing to simply remind, as I've been reminded, that Jesus meets us where we are. Because left to myself, I'm wretched. I do not have my life "together" in the slightest.  Not even in the public eye. You can go look me up on social media. I cannot post a stunning photo of myself, my family, or any form of scenery to save my life. I mean, don't get me wrong, my boys are as cute as they come in my very not-so-humble-but-I'm-their-mom opinion. But I can't even capture them in decent lighting half the time. My house is not immaculate. Far from it at the moment. If my car is on its last leg, my husband's is on its last toe. I do not have a role-model marriage...I mean, my husband is the best there is, but hello two sinners living under the same roof. I'm not in the best shape. I don't eat or cook gourmet meals {like I don't function without a recipe}. I don't have this stellar daily routine with my boys. As in, most days my only mile markers are as follows:  wake/breakfast, lunch, nap. The in-between is usually pretty hazy. I could honestly go on and on...and on and on and on. I should clarify that I'm not complaining. And also that if anyone reading has those things together, I salute you. Sincerely. There's certainly nothing wrong with any of it. I'm just being transparent.

BUT JESUS. 

Oh, but Jesus. He doesn't care. He just wants me to seek Him. And allow Him to work in my life. And mold, and refine, and cleanse me. He desires my attention & affection. He doesn't need it. He just wants it. Because He desires relationship with me. How humbling is that? I desperately long to look more like Him. I truly do. But this week I've been reminded that looking more like a perfect, holy God has little to nothing to do with being perfect in the world's eyes. It doesn't mean a perfect house, perfect cleanliness, perfect car, perfect marriage, perfect friendship, perfect career, perfect kids, perfect appearance, perfect routine. 

It means me, an imperfect believer, seeking Him, a perfect God, and admitting that I'm far from "arrived." 

BUT, because of His sacrifice, I'm robed in His righteousness 
...and I'm a child of the Most High 
...and I can claim victory over sin and victory over my imperfections 
...and I can approach & humble myself before a holy God 
...and plead before Him, "Abba Father, make me more like You! I want it more than anything else. Help me want it more than anything else." 

Back to that table in my kitchen with all the noise and mess...My ink ran out and, completely against my nature, I reached for a colored pencil. And with that dull colored pencil, that I usually would never dare to write with in my neat little notebook, a little bit of my desire for the appearance of worldly perfection melted away. I was reminded that a tidy home and a finished to-do list matters not if I still fail to display Christ to my children through my attitude, actions, words and discipline. 

My morning was a mess. And Jesus met me there.